The Key to Connection
Have you ever found yourself in a place where you aren’t your true self? We withhold a part of ourselves from the world with a fear of being judged or bullied. This is the basis of our armor, similar to physical armor, this mental armor protects our vulnerable places. To be vulnerable means getting an unstable feeling when we share or do something out of our comfort zone. Emotional exposure causes us to be immensely vulnerable because we share a raw part of ourselves that could be judged or manipulated. In Brene Brown’s book Dare to Lead, she talks about how vulnerability can affect trust, shame, and even empathy. This book allowed me to see when I put my armor up and gave me an insight into my own shame and trust. Here are the main things which stuck with me from this book which I hope will give you the same insight:
Vulnerability and Trust: people believe they need trust and then vulnerability, but they don’t understand it comes hand in hand. Vulnerability is when we show ourselves without armor or cover, just our raw selves. It is having the courage to show up and be seen when we can’t control the outcome. On the other hand, trust is the stacking and layering of small moments and reciprocated vulnerability over time. To build trust you need vulnerability, and to betray one is to destroy the other. Although, when we show our vulnerability, we must set boundaries. Our raw selves can only handle a limited number of things and we need to make that clear when we are vulnerable. It isn’t just shedding off the armor, it is also the action we take which shows our vulnerability.
There is a quote by Roosevelt saying, “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat”.
This quote says that to have the courage to be vulnerable you are going to experience pain, betrayal, and even heartbreak, but you need to put yourself out there. Be the man in the arena.
- Armor and Wholeheartedness: armor is when our heart is encased in a steel box. Armor only protects your heart from being hurt in the fear it won’t heal again. Having an unarmored heart means living a wholehearted life. The first step to dropping your armor is knowing what you do and what you feel when you have your armor up. For me, I know my armor is up when I’m angry or when someone tells me I'm wrong. Putting armor on your heart means encasing courage with it. Shedding the armor off means I know I will fall but I am willing to step into the arena and risk it. Shedding off the armor is the first step to trust, you need to show your raw selves, let vulnerability course through you, and let them know I am willing to show you who I am so that we can build a deeper connection. Being in the arena means opening your heart and letting courage go.
- Shame and Empathy: vulnerability can also overpower shame. We feel shame because we are vulnerable, shame is the fear of disconnection and the only way to combat shame is through empathy. Our egos are willing to keep our hearts encased in armor no matter the cost. But something our ego doesn’t understand is that our emotional exposure and shutting down our vulnerability doesn’t protect us from shame, disconnection, and isolation, it guarantees them. Everyone experiences shame, it is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only antidote to shame is empathy. My friend recently lost her dog. She was devastated, and I remember someone told her “I’m so sorry for you”. This wasn’t empathy, this was sympathy. Empathy is often confused with sympathy, sympathy is giving advice and judgment disguised as concern. Empathy is feeling the pain and discomfort with the person and rumbling with the person instead of feeling sorry for them. Sympathy only enhances the shame, the feeling of being alone. Empathy doesn’t heal the shame it just bridges the disconnection. You might feel sad or overwhelmed but never disconnected.
- Clear is Kind, Unclear is Unkind: part of being vulnerable is having the courage, to tell the truth. Not brutal honesty, but the truth in a way that will help them grow within themselves. Giving clarity to a person about their weaknesses can be beneficial not only for them but for the social environment. It can improve the way you talk to each other and your interactions. Understanding your weak points can help your own emotional growth and can make you stronger by knowing the places you need to improve.
- Living into your values: A value is a way of being or believing that we hold most important. When we are vulnerable, we face self-doubt, hurtful comments, and fear. Our clarity of values is the essential support during these difficult times. If we don’t have our values to remind us why we are being courageous, the cynics and the critics can bring us to our knees.
These are some of the ideas which helped me grow as a person and start to understand how to interact with people and understand myself in a more meaningful way. Throughout the book, I learned about how the armor doesn’t protect from harm, it guarantees it. To have meaningful and connected conversations you need to drop the armor and connect through raw emotions. Vulnerability is the key to connection, to make more meaningful relationships we need to show our true selves. Even though we might be judged, we need to be the man in the arena. We need to have our faces marred with dust, sweat, and blood and not take comments from the people without the courage to enter the arena. Drop the armor and be vulnerable.
